Bad auditions. As actors we’re guaranteed to have a few along the way -only a couple hundred if you’re very lucky. Recently I was fortunate enough to have a catastrophic one. I’m talking about forgot-my-lines-ran-out-the-room catastrophic. But you read that right, I did say fortunate because no single audition has taught me more. That day I dragged myself home under a black cloud of misery because sometimes I need darkness to appreciate the light of a new day. After an hour of beating myself up internally and banging my head against an acting book externally, I did what I do best- regrouped. I took out a pen and pad (papyrus fan over here) and spilled my guts out. I wrote down everything that bothered me and by the time I was done I had an essay front and back. Having purged I called my Mom to tell her about my absolutely awful day, maybe expecting a few words of comfort, and wouldn’t you know it she broke out laughing. Straight up busting-her-breeches laughing at me because she thought it was the funniest thing ever. I felt so silly I couldn’t help but laugh too. Leave it to my Mom to remind me not to sweat the small stuff. She always says the only thing in life you can’t fix is death, everything else is cake. I hung up still chuckling and looked at that long list again. I had two choices: I could sit there and stare and whine or I could pick up my sorry behind and re-work those monologues. I chose the latter. I held myself accountable and fixed those things that needed some mending and some patching. Two days later, different audition, same monologue and I hit it out the ballpark. So I guess it’s like a roller coaster ride and after a low there’s always sure to be a high. I taped the list next to my bed and if you can believe it I was even a little forgiving of myself. Right next to each thing I’d written down I also added a small victory I’d achieved. Just to balance things out. One I was particularly proud of was finally kicking those last 10 pounds to the curb. I certainly don't think every actor needs to be a skinny actor (not by a long shot!) but once you step into that audition room you want to do it feeling your absolute best; some people get there by doing spine roll-ups in the waiting room, I do it by not reaching for that second Oreo. Already feeling lighter in both body and spirit, I set off for my beautiful Miami to celebrate my Mom’s birthday. As I sat in my Tia Olga’s patio, the sun quietly setting behind two tall palm trees, I looked around at my large Cuban family and all my worries were light years away. Tio playing the bongos, my baby cousin dancing in his diaper, my mother’s loud unapologetic laughter, my sister shoving me to get her more mariquitas… I belong to these people and they belong to me. They love me not because I’m “talented” or because they “like” me or because I can memorize lines but simply because I exist. They love me just because. A deep happiness welled up inside me and a most clear realization. I already had everything I could ever want and anything that comes after that is just a perk. A call-back could only be the double-stuffing to an already delicious cookie. Ah, February, the month of love! Love has definitely been the theme for my February... ...or more specifically learning to love the journey. Oh, I know, I know. “Loving the journey” just sounds like a whole lot of motivational hogwash but I’m not talking about some metaphorical journey. I’m talking about the journey that is the here and now. Everyday life. This month for me was all about learning patience and being 110% present. I’d spent so much of my time rehashing the past (Why did I rush that pause in the monologue?) or worrying about the future (Will I get a callback?) that I failed to focus on the fact that life was happening with every breathing second. Life is happening on the way to the train, on the 50 minute commute, in the waiting room lobby. Lately I find myself more and more drawn to the ancient Tao philosophy; that of going with the flow of the river rather than push against the current. In doing so I see that things work out exactly how they’re supposed to. There’s no good or bad, just perception. I started to once again believe in signs, something I hadn’t done in years. This new-found state of mind of “doing nothing” has brought not only financial prosperity but also self-awareness. A flower doesn’t struggle to grow it just does, effortless and majestic. That tense energy I once associated with booking the “big job” shifted towards continuing my training. While I’m figuring out which acting class to take next, I’m still working on a few things on my own. Every night after dinner I practice my diction with the Edith Skinner book/CD, followed by monologue work on audition pieces, and lastly Uta Hagen exercises, all of these for at least 15 minutes each. Funny how in “doing nothing” I’ve become more productive and efficient (although that may have to do more with The Pomodoro Technique and less with Taoist Pooh). Doing these daily exercises may not have the full impact of a class but my only defense is this, it feeds me- it keeps me disciplined and it makes me happy. (And hey, if Shakira can teach herself English with a dinky dictionary, I can damn well master the British dialect!) I also do a bit of marketing every night. Not enough to drive me crazy but enough to be consistent: doing mailings to target agents and finally creating my website which is something I’d been putting off for a while. Maybe procrastination should be my next field of improvement- but that can wait till tomorrow. I created the website all by myself and sometimes you have to celebrate the small victories, which I sure did with a glass of milk since it was too late at night for a glass of red. So this coming month I’m excited for more auditions but also to be going home for my Mami’s birthday. I’m really looking forward to a relaxing weekend: maybe I’ll swing in the hammock sipping on lemonade, or maybe lay out in the sand with “The Half-Blood Prince” or maybe just maybe do absolutely nothing at all. Let's see, where did we last leave off? Oh yeah, I chopped off all my hair! And with the haircut came a whole new persona: the one who stood out at auditions amidst a sea of long manes, the one who gave street directions instead of taking them, the one who met up with friends "super last minute" on a Friday night. But then a familiar restlessness came back (is it just me or am I always whining about something? I apologize for those of you still reading). It hit me one particular Sunday night while searching through my old agenda. I came across a January 4, 2011 entry- "Miami Int'l Airport @ 6am- Give Mami the car keys". Instinctively my mind reeled back to that last week in Miami and I was overcome with homesickness. Although it does get easier with time, no matter what they tell you, the feeling never fully goes away. That little entry reminded me of how naive I was then and how that same naiveté has been the hardest thing to hold on to in this industry. After so many No's or No-answer-at-all's (which was even worse!) cynicism slowly seeped in. Before I knew it what was once love and hope morphed into frustration and bitterness. I mean here I was a year into it and what did I really have to show for it? I’d been doing a lot of busy work, mailing this and networking that, which hadn’t brought me any major results. I felt like a hamster spinning its wheel. I worried if maybe I was wasting my time and in flooded the doubts. After a few hours of self-indulgent wallowing (and here's where the pity party ends, I promise) I thought, well maybe the energy is right but it's the focus that needs adjusting. Maybe I'd been so concentrated on the ‘business’ part of it that I'd lost touch with the thing that mattered most- the craft! So stripping it down to basics I made the conscious decision to focus only on that which made me happy, acting. Feeling a bit better I picked up the book I was currently reading, “The Tao of Pooh”, and came across a fitting quote- “When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun.” I literally saw the bulb light up: life didn't need to be a struggle, it could be fun. New York could be EASY and fun! I could remain that naive Child who doesn't know any better, who sees with her heart, who understands no limitations, who is curious about everything and whose only concern is playing with friends. I want to play! Or like the great Pacino said "Just work". I believe he meant that when you focus on the work alone everything else falls into place. And if you follow the Tao, it will. Out with the old, in with the new. Resolutions that is. I've never been too good at keeping resolutions past March (I’ve been trying to kick my sugar addiction since my teens) but in the spirit of self-improvement every year I make some anyway. Maybe it’s not so much the resolutions themselves that are important but rather the introspection that propels us to make them. The new year brings the chance to start with a clean slate and the possibilities are endless, they’re all out there waiting in the great unknown that is our future. December is a time of reflection to assess what worked, what didn’t, what were the battles, the successes, and the failures. Looking back on my own 2011 I realize it has been pretty epic. I’m coming up on my first year of living on my own when it seems like only yesterday that I moved to New York pursuing what once seemed the elusive dream of every actor I know but which now seems closer than ever. Dear old '11 was a year of personal growth, self-discoveries, little victories, growing pains, change, adapting, moving (twice in one year!), falling in and out of love, and here comes my favorite word again- improvement. If 2011 had a theme it would be “Learning the ropes…and I’m just getting started.” My resolution is to apply the lessons I’ve learned to next year’s choices. After all, 2012 will be filled with its own worries, its own heartbreaks, its own joys and great expectations. If it’s true what the Mayans say and the world ends tomorrow then I want to spend it enjoying the red velvet cupcake that is my life down to the very last sugary bite. So I guess not every resolution is meant to be kept. I can only wish you all the same. And here’s to yet another resolution: love till you burst, laugh till it hurts, and when life gets you down sweat the small stuff on the dance floor. See you next year! Home is where the heart is. At least that's what I used to think... But if it were true then I should have never left Miami. At the beginning of November my world was once again in flux. My landlady decided to raise my rent and I decided to move out. And so began the month-long headache, ahem, I mean search for an apartment. After way too many "Hell no's" and "I would rather die's" I started to despair. On more than one occasion I had to be talked down from the proverbial ledge. A very wise friend told me "Bea, this is not a race. It's a marathon." But a race was exactly how I viewed New York: a speedy, furious race where the ultimate price was a glittering career. Why had I never thought of it as a long-term stay? Halfway through the month I put the apartment search on hold and flew back home for my sister's wedding. My baby sister was getting married and I couldn't be happier for the way her life was unfolding, so why couldn't I be happier for mine? Why was I so restless? I realized then that I'd been clutching on to my old life while still grasping for my new one. So that night I danced like a maniac with my cousins, kissed my mother a million times, and cried way too much during my maid of honor speech: it was time to let go. I came back with the determination that if I was really going to give this a try all chips had to be on the table. More than anything external it was a shift in mindset and "home" became the place where I hung my hat. I eventually found the perfect nook in Brooklyn and now it was time to grow some roots, like paint the walls and buy a TV (kind of a huge deal for me). I had done it. I had my first grown-up apartment! It all felt so permanent and I had the sneaky suspicion that this was how it should have felt the first time around. Along the way I also managed to land a freelance job hostessing for a company's Facebook page- a job I could do anywhere as long as I had my Blackberry, a job I could do while waiting to be seen at an audition. Sometimes I don't give the Universe enough credit. As Thanksgiving rolled around I already had such a long list of things to be grateful for but as I looked around our table full of good food and wine, I saw what I most thankful for: my urban family, my home away from home, my friends. I am nothing if not for the amazing people around me and Miami wasn't going anywhere because home is not where the heart is but rather you carry your home in your heart. Needless to say I didn't do much auditioning this past month or much of anything for that matter. And I simply can't apologize for that because for the first time since moving to New York I didn't feel stuck in a humdrum routine. So as cold December approaches I'll be nesting in my cozy apartment; curling up with new monologues and plenty of hot chocolate-filled mugs. I'm going to make snow bunnies, re-read Uta Hagen's book, put up a tree, create a new marketing plan, see Broadway shows, and take in all the beauty that is Christmas in the City. Come next year I'll be at it again full-throttle, guns blazing with the same drive that led me here in the first place. Till then I'll be reading Harry Potter 3 in my cocoon because it's a long and winding road and it is after all a marathon. And there's plenty of time. I live here now. What's been going on, you ask? Short answer: a lot! If you want different results you have do things differently, right? So this past month I've kicked my marketing strategy up a few notches. Along with submitting online everyday and calling casting directors for parts I'm right for, I've also set a goal to reach out to someone every week from here till December, whether through an email, phone call, postcard, etc... This week's self-imposed task was to send a postcard to casting offices stating my goal for the year to be cast in an Off-Broadway production. Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling! At the beginning of the month, I dropped off my demo reel at seven different casting offices that I've been targeting since February. I wrapped them in pretty packages and off on their merry way they went. Recently I created a Twitter account to follow all the offices and theaters I want to work with. Follow me @Bea_Leal! The old resume got a dusting off as well and it is now more polished and organized which is a great feeling to carry into an audition. Headshots are next in the "remodeling" department but I'm waiting until I finish the ones I already have (note to self: never order 100 again!) All of this said and done brings me to my next order of business- reaching out to the people who know me and love me best. You. I highly value your opinion, so if you've got any advice, suggestions, feedback, constructive criticism or just plain positivity please don't hesitate to send it my way. Until then, see you next month! |
OLDER POSTS
October 2014
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